Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

:deviation:
 

The next station is: by ~GGdown:iconGGdown:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Sociopolitical > Open


The train now arriving at platform 12 is:
Late
Left me sitting on my own
No paper, no sudoku
Nothing to do
But sit here and moan
Send texts on my phone
Listen to commuters groan
And slip on before anyone else

The next station is:
Miles from the end
I find a seat
Relax and collapse
Stare through the glass
Watching cows go by

We are now approaching:
Home
Small and unknown
But special to me
Drifting past
Going fast
Continue through
......
Oh poo!

This train is calling at:
Nowhere else
This is the end
Stuck alone, miles from home
No money to spend
It all terminates here
©2005-2009 ~GGdown
:iconggdown:

Author's Comments

Ok, inspired by the fact I'm having to commute to London every day for my summer job-thingy (don't ask for details, there is a reason)
Bad train journey's happen and yes, I have managed to miss my stop once, which was interesting to explain when the ticket collector came round!
Anyway, usual comments, critique appreciated, I know it's really rubbish so don't try and convince me otherwise and have a good *unknown span of time until I wish you more happy time*

Oh, BTW, appreciate suggestions on where to put this as well

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconwhisperwolf:
~whisperwolf Jul 26, 2005, 2:33:34 PM
Ah this is actually great! I love the way it tells a story and I just love how you've kept the first parts in italics and it clicks into your feelings and what you're seeing. I simply laughed at the second line when you said 'late' just because it was unexpected. It's quite an original idea behind a poem, don't put yourself down for it.. you're more talented than you think. I like the open structure and random rhyming pattern.. it makes for an interesting read :)

--
Live your life without regret, don't be someone who they forget
:icononelinedrawn:
~Onelinedrawn Jul 27, 2005, 4:55:04 AM
Oooh, i like! :D
As with ~whisperwolf, i laughed at the second line to as it was quite unexpected and abrupt. I love the sarcastic tone it can be said in. I love the realism to this whole poem. There isn't anything more to do then send texts on your mobile and listen to other commuters on the train, and so many people do just stare out the glass of the windows and watch the blurrs of the surrounding go past. It's awesome how well you've managed to apply something people might find dull and boring into a poem that i just keep reading over and over again.
I especially like this verse
We are now approaching:
Home
Small and unknown
But special to me
Drifting past
Going fast
Continue through
There's just something about it. Everytime i'm on the train home from college i'm looking forward to arriving at my house and being home again. I like how for the first line of it you've made it sound like a train announcment. It doesn't mess up the structure of the rest of the poem, and works really well.
And i like how final the last line is. It all terminates here.

I know you said not to try and convince you otherwise, but this really is a good poem and i really liked reading it. I couldn't tell you how to improve. I think it's fine the way it is. :+fav:
:iconggdown:
~GGdown Jul 28, 2005, 12:07:08 PM
Wow! Thanks so much for the favourite and the great comment. I still don't really think it's any good, but it seems I'm outvoted!
Again, thanks so much for such a detailed comment and everything!

--
If life throws you lemons, throw them at life's head and shout "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

I'm in ~Emotional-Writings and probably a couple other's that i've forgotten about! :D

***Shameless self-promotion-Please visit my poems and l
:iconggdown:
~GGdown Jul 28, 2005, 12:25:29 PM
Hehe, thank you so much! Sincere sounding compliments are rare (I still don't believe you!)

--
If life throws you lemons, throw them at life's head and shout "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

I'm in ~Emotional-Writings and probably a couple other's that i've forgotten about! :D

***Shameless self-promotion-Please visit my poems and l
:iconwhisperwolf:
~whisperwolf Jul 30, 2005, 2:02:33 PM
Well you should believe me because I wouldn't say something I didn't mean!

--
Live your life without regret, don't be someone who they forget
:iconggdown:
~GGdown Jul 30, 2005, 2:33:04 PM
Wow, convincing argument! Ok, I'm converted (sneaky cackle)

--
If life throws you lemons, throw them at life's head and shout "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

I'm in ~Emotional-Writings and probably a couple other's that i've forgotten about! :D

***Shameless self-promotion-Please visit my poems and l
:iconwhisperwolf:
~whisperwolf Jul 31, 2005, 12:18:56 AM
:roll:

--
Live your life without regret, don't be someone who they forget
:iconnovember-fae:
~November-fae Aug 17, 2005, 5:32:18 AM
oh you think travelling from Oxted is bad BIIIIG mistake try going from Chichester on a nice 2 hour + journey and of course when it goes wrong and you have to change train 7 times, get buses and walk for miles which is just hilarious fun!
haha aww well everyday must be not so fun, good piece
moose!
xx

--
:blackrose: Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without any :blackrose:
:iconggdown:
~GGdown Oct 9, 2005, 10:51:28 AM
hmm, dA didn't tell me about this comment so I've only just noticed it! Anyway, do you have to go up to Chichester every day? I THINK NOT!!!!!
*ahem* Thanks anyway, we should talk again soon xx

--
If life throws you lemons, throw them at life's head and shout "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

I'm in ~Emotional-Writings and probably a couple other's that i've forgotten about! :D

***Shameless self-promotion-Please visit my poems and l
Previous PageNext Page

Details

July 26, 2005
891 bytes

Statistics

9
1 [who?]
71 (0 today)
1 (0 today)

Share

Link
Thumb

Site Map

©2009 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Site Tour | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy