wow
this is your best one so far
see your writing keeps getting better and better you just have to keep going with it!!

great poem!!!
yey!!
I really do think this is amazing so don't go getting annoyed cos you think I'm lying ok?!

mwah
xx

--
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without any

i like this one also alot its a very intresting concept i like it

Thanks, i am actually quite pleased with how this turned out
Why the date smiley?
's and much all around
Graeme

--
If life throws you lemons, throw them at life's head and shout "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

I'm in ~Emotional-Writings and probably a couple other's that i've forgotten about!

***Shameless self-promotion-Please visit my poems and l

cos its pretty and colourmuful ok?
eheh

heh
sorry ignore account
xx

--
_{Like a little child I'm captivated...and I can't turn myself away
~ToThyneGrave}

Ok, ok, woteva u say
is betta though


--
If life throws you lemons, throw them at life's head and shout "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

I'm in ~Emotional-Writings and probably a couple other's that i've forgotten about!

***Shameless self-promotion-Please visit my poems and l

The repetition of the last line in each stanza is an excellent tool. It brings a freshness to the poem that might otherwise be lacking. Structure is key in holding the reader's attention, and the structure you use is very good at that. I am also impressed that, despite the lack of rymes, you have kept the meter consistent between the stanzas. Not that rhyming makes meter easier; indeed, it makes it harder. But when abandoning rhyme, poets too often also abandon consistent meter. You don't, and your poem is stronger for it.

The only line that really didn't fit in my mind was "Ripping out my soul." Perhaps it is only because of its abuse in such areas, but the word "soul" has long since sunk into clichédom in melodrama. The line before it could stand some similar revising, though it is not as glaring.

I like this poem. It is simple, and tells a story with an interesting narrative. Good job.

Sorry for the delay, but this critique has been brought to you by ~WeCritique

-Jesse out

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Commenting is an art form.